Lessons from 2010: Rule #1 Remain calm and don't make a bad day worse

Sean started the 2010 campaign with something of a bang...3 tournaments early in the season comprising six rounds with scores in the 70s. There was no real reason to think things wouldn't improve from that start.

But then Sean started to struggle and began posting scores in the 80s. And he was never really able to shake the 80s for the rest of the season. By some measures, you might even conclude his game regressed as the season wore on. He'd open tournaments with something in the 80's, then close it with something in the 70's, or less frequently, vice versa. In fact, he only had one round in the 70s over the last five rounds of season.

But what a round in the 70s it was! A 73 in the 2nd round of our club's Men's Championship....from the tips on a course that although familiar, was set up as hard as any he had played all season. He would go on to finish in 10th place in that event, solidifying himself as one of the top golfers at our club.

This provides an example of the biggest lesson Sean taught me this season: To focus on the positive. Because that is what he did all season long. Whether he had just finished with a good score or something in the 80's, Sean would climb in the car and regale me with stories of his great shots and missed opportunities. Listening, you wouldn't know he had shot, say, an 84. Among the favorite lines I'd hear him say was, "Dad, you have no idea how close I came to a 68...really, more like a 66!"

Sean never wallowed in self-pity and this season he also pretty much jettisoned the immature micro-tantrums (such as the Tiger club slam). He is learning how to control his emotions, and to be fair to him...or maybe to be a good example, I had to somehow learn the same lessons. I figured if the game wasn't getting him down, at least in any outward way, then I certainly wasn't going to light into him with whatever frustrations I felt when things weren't going well.

So I bit my tongue. A lot. Consciously, and at times with substantial effort. I confess to only one outburst at the start of a long drive to another tournament. For whatever reason, I was thinking he wasn't showing that he was taking scoring seriously enough--the point of tournament golf is to post scores, after all, and I lost my cool and started an argument with him. What was said probably had to be said --the privilege of playing in these more competitive tournaments needs to be taken seriously-- but not the way it was done.

But overall Sean worked hard at his game all season long. He played or practiced every day at the club, in a way that was both fun and serious for him. He grinded hard on virtually every single shot in every single tournament. He may not have executed shots well, and he may have done some bone-headed-let's be nice and call them experimental- things that I surely would not have not done myself, but there is no taking away from the fact that he tried his hardest.

He put a lot of pressure on himself to do well, and he had to deal with the disappointment when he didn't do well. And it slowly dawned on me that he simply has to go through this learning process in order to become a good competitive golfer. And when you see it in that perspective, you see that some good comes from not being able to rise to expectations or hopes.

As a golfer myself, one who carries a 5 handicap, I realize that it is a very difficult game to play well. Tournament golf more so. Sean shot scores out there this summer that I shoot only occasionally, and even more rarely under tournament conditions. He has amply proven he is already a far better golfer than ever was.

Sean has built his self-image cloaked in golf, it is a major way in which he defines himself now. As bad as I want him to succeed, Sean also proved to me this summer that he wants it far more than me.

As long as he shows that attitude, he earns all the support I can provide reasonably in terms of tournaments and travel and equipment and lessons. But more importantly, he has earned my respect and a commitment to do my best to serve as his confidant. When he climbs in the car after a disappointing day, he doesn't need me getting down on him or demanding he perform better. Really, what could be more absurd? He just spent 5 or 6 hrs grinding out a round, putting it all on the line, having sat in the scorers tent testifying to embarrassing failures, only to step into the car so his father can rip into him?

Sean needs me to be a sounding board. For him, going over the round and emphasizing the highlights is a method to consolidate his memories and to create a perspective that he can draw from down the road. If it was a bad day, he needs me to simply say, "Well, that wasn't your best round but hopefully there is something you can learn from it."

And then leave it at that and go out to find a meal, hopefully at a sports bar that can serve me some good beer with which to calm my nerves and pull me back from the edge. LOL!!

This parenting a budding golf star isn't as easy as it looks. So I think the biggest thing I learned from the 2010 season is Rule #1, Remain calm and don't make a bad day worse.

Meanwhile, I just will have to continue to have faith that he gets this all figured out, that he continues to improve and that he learns enough so that he can realize his dreams in competitive golf. He seems to have the knack for throwing up just enough of those 73's to earn another shot at it.

2010 Recap

Sean played his final tournament of the 2010 campaign last weekend, so now we summarize.

Here are the numbers: Twenty-eight completed rounds played in fifteen tournaments, with an overall scoring average of 79.4. His first round average of 81 was improved in the second rounds, where he has a scoring average of 77.2.

Something about a scoring avg of 79.4 seems disappointing and not really reflective of the progress Sean made compared to the 2009 season.

Probably the most impressive evidence of progress over last year is that he scored in the 70s in 14 rounds this season compared to only one round in the previous year, and that he had at least one round in the 70's in 10 of his 15 events. In 4 of these events he scored both rounds in the 70's.

His low rounds included a 71, 73(2) and a 74. His best two-round scores were 150 and 151 (twice), whereas in 2009 his best two-round score was 157.

After every round, Sean and I would climb in the car to head home or to the hotel and Sean would go over his round, recounting the great shots and the near misses. He'd never really focus on the negatives, and he'd never let a disappointing round get him down. He might have been embarrassed by some of his higher scores, but he never wallowed in self-pity after those rounds.

And so, I conclude this season by focusing on the positive, because that is what Sean would have done. He improved this season. It was, by a reasonable standard, a quantum leap and he narrowed the gap between him and the kids his age who are shooting the better scores.

Could it have been better? Of course. Could we have reasonably expected a better outcome? Who knows. It is what it is, which is mostly a sign that his hard work and dedication and simple enjoyment of the game is all paying off and he is moving in a good direction with it.